I've managed to stop worrying about a lot of things in my life. My fear of dying alone has largely been sated, as has my fear of dying too soon. I've also managed to stop worrying about the little stuff like the idiot driving in front of me or the kid who gets ticked off because I won't give him $100 for a book that looks like Moses used it back when he was going to Pharoh school. However, there's one thing that always nags on the back of my mind. And that would be when exactly are my friends going to realize that they are far too good for me and leave me in the dust. Now before you get on the whole "Christian, you're self-esteem is too low" kick, it's really not that.
You see, my friends are these amazing people. They're like family to me. Hell, my family considers them to be family. (My grandma calls my best friend part of the Asian branch of the Hoffer family). They've pulled me through some really tough times. And what have I done for them? Egged them into liver damage and alcohol dependence and filled their head with mildly amusing stories which have no value in the real world. I feel like I'm not holding up my end of the bargain. I mean, my friends are doctors and artists and engineers. And what am I? A textbook manager. A perfectly acceptable job, but not exactly in the same echelon as saving lives, building bridges or providing lasting contributions to culture. And I sometimes think to myself "Man, I am really holding them back. When are they going to see that and run like the wind?" Every time I hang out with them, there's this stupid thought running through my head that wonders if I'm going to say something stupid or do something to piss them off and that's when it's just going to click in their heads that I'm not good enough for them.
It's probably a silly thought, like most thoughts that I have. But honestly, it's the one that worries me the most. My friends are part of my family and my family is the most important thing in the world to me. And I kind of wonder when they're going to figure out when they could start doing a lot better than me.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Some Things I'd Like to Say to People
I'm tired and cranky. As such, here are a few things I'd like to get off my chest.
To the Iranian Government: Congratulations! Your regime just got pwned by twitter. Defeated by 140 characters or less, sucks to be you.
To Twitter: Don't try to use the Iranian protests as an excuse, your website STILL has no practical purpose.
To my cat: I swear, cat, I will start pawing at you when you're sleeping to see how you like it. And yes I know that you probably will like it because you're a cat and you like it when anything with a pulse touches you. But I'll do it anyways.
To Thomas Jefferson: I still don't get why you're on the nickel. You sucked as a president. Just sayin'.
To vampires: I'm onto you guys. Watch your backs.
To the people who live next to my apartment: I'm proud to be an American too, but you don't hear me blaring the song at 3 AM in the morning while screaming how wasted I am while I serve underagers (which I know to be underagers because they scream out "Wooooo! I'm 19 and I'm WASTED!"). Keep this up and I'm sure the police will be proud to be Americans while they arrest your asses for partying on a TUESDAY.
To the Iranian Government: Congratulations! Your regime just got pwned by twitter. Defeated by 140 characters or less, sucks to be you.
To Twitter: Don't try to use the Iranian protests as an excuse, your website STILL has no practical purpose.
To my cat: I swear, cat, I will start pawing at you when you're sleeping to see how you like it. And yes I know that you probably will like it because you're a cat and you like it when anything with a pulse touches you. But I'll do it anyways.
To Thomas Jefferson: I still don't get why you're on the nickel. You sucked as a president. Just sayin'.
To vampires: I'm onto you guys. Watch your backs.
To the people who live next to my apartment: I'm proud to be an American too, but you don't hear me blaring the song at 3 AM in the morning while screaming how wasted I am while I serve underagers (which I know to be underagers because they scream out "Wooooo! I'm 19 and I'm WASTED!"). Keep this up and I'm sure the police will be proud to be Americans while they arrest your asses for partying on a TUESDAY.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Life Lessons From Drinking
(Disclaimer for the following post: Alcohol is bad. I, in no way endorse alcoholism, binge drinking, or any of the other terrible things that stems from drinking. I firmly believe that alcohol is the devil's drink and that it is my mission to consume every last drop of it to rid the world of its corrupting influence)
Blame it on the alcohol, blame it on the booze, blame it on whatever you like, I love to drink. Over the course of the last couple of years, I've been involved with a few shenanigans of the drinking variety. Here are a few of the things I've learned from boozing it up with my compatriots.
The key to getting drinks quickly is to make eye contact with the bartender. If they are forced to acknowledge your existence, they will have to give you booze to make you go away.
When you stumble in and the cat shoots you a look that says "Leave me alone," you probably have had too much to drink. When the cat actually looks at you and says "Leave me alone, human, before I scratch out your eyes," you've definitely had too much to drink.
Don't pick fights with inanimate objects. You can't win.
Fire is not your friend. It never has been and it never will be. Don't let the fire try to tell you otherwise.
If faced with the choice between food or alcohol, choose the alcohol. Most beverages contain calories so if you drink enough, the hunger will go away...or you will die of alcohol poisoning. Either way, problem solved.
There are no such things as classy drinking parties. Only shitshows waiting to happen.
Yes, alcohol can take away your pain. But it comes back twice as bad the next day.
When it comes to blackouts, not knowing is half the battle.
Chances are if it sounds bad in your head, it will sound even worse coming out of your mouth.
Everyone has a ridiculous drinking story. If they don't, get them drunk and give them one.
And of course, don't drink and drive. It's a whole lot easier to stumble home the next morning then being dead. Just sayin'.
Blame it on the alcohol, blame it on the booze, blame it on whatever you like, I love to drink. Over the course of the last couple of years, I've been involved with a few shenanigans of the drinking variety. Here are a few of the things I've learned from boozing it up with my compatriots.
The key to getting drinks quickly is to make eye contact with the bartender. If they are forced to acknowledge your existence, they will have to give you booze to make you go away.
When you stumble in and the cat shoots you a look that says "Leave me alone," you probably have had too much to drink. When the cat actually looks at you and says "Leave me alone, human, before I scratch out your eyes," you've definitely had too much to drink.
Don't pick fights with inanimate objects. You can't win.
Fire is not your friend. It never has been and it never will be. Don't let the fire try to tell you otherwise.
If faced with the choice between food or alcohol, choose the alcohol. Most beverages contain calories so if you drink enough, the hunger will go away...or you will die of alcohol poisoning. Either way, problem solved.
There are no such things as classy drinking parties. Only shitshows waiting to happen.
Yes, alcohol can take away your pain. But it comes back twice as bad the next day.
When it comes to blackouts, not knowing is half the battle.
Chances are if it sounds bad in your head, it will sound even worse coming out of your mouth.
Everyone has a ridiculous drinking story. If they don't, get them drunk and give them one.
And of course, don't drink and drive. It's a whole lot easier to stumble home the next morning then being dead. Just sayin'.
Monday, June 8, 2009
The Grand Christian R Hoffer To Buy List
This is the official Summer of 2009 Christian Hoffer To Buy List.
New flip flops
A new DVD rack
A new DVD player
The 1st, 4th, and 5th seasons of LOST
Patio furniture
New pots and pans
A chainsaw, just in case
A domesticated bald eagle that sits on my shoulder and glares at hippies for no reason
The Hope Diamond
A cannon to protect any high ground I might gain throughout the summer
A spare house to drop on Wicked Witches of any compass direction (particularly the Wicked Witch of the Northwest)
An underground lair for Moochie
A supercomputer for said underground lair
A full-sized portait of myself to cover the entrance of the underground lair
A cape, also for Moochie
A cape for the bald eagle when it decides to team up with Moochie
A satellite, preferably armed with lasers or at least Bluetooth capabilities
The Loch Ness Monster (I'll store her in the pool behind my apartment building)
An professional curling team located out of Norwalk Ohio.
A pride of Oompa Loompas to do my bidding and taunt visitors to the apartment with clever jingles
If I can manage to get at least half of these things by the end of September, it'll be a moderately productive summer.
New flip flops
A new DVD rack
A new DVD player
The 1st, 4th, and 5th seasons of LOST
Patio furniture
New pots and pans
A chainsaw, just in case
A domesticated bald eagle that sits on my shoulder and glares at hippies for no reason
The Hope Diamond
A cannon to protect any high ground I might gain throughout the summer
A spare house to drop on Wicked Witches of any compass direction (particularly the Wicked Witch of the Northwest)
An underground lair for Moochie
A supercomputer for said underground lair
A full-sized portait of myself to cover the entrance of the underground lair
A cape, also for Moochie
A cape for the bald eagle when it decides to team up with Moochie
A satellite, preferably armed with lasers or at least Bluetooth capabilities
The Loch Ness Monster (I'll store her in the pool behind my apartment building)
An professional curling team located out of Norwalk Ohio.
A pride of Oompa Loompas to do my bidding and taunt visitors to the apartment with clever jingles
If I can manage to get at least half of these things by the end of September, it'll be a moderately productive summer.
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