My Greatest Fear

I've managed to stop worrying about a lot of things in my life. My fear of dying alone has largely been sated, as has my fear of dying too soon. I've also managed to stop worrying about the little stuff like the idiot driving in front of me or the kid who gets ticked off because I won't give him $100 for a book that looks like Moses used it back when he was going to Pharoh school. However, there's one thing that always nags on the back of my mind. And that would be when exactly are my friends going to realize that they are far too good for me and leave me in the dust. Now before you get on the whole "Christian, you're self-esteem is too low" kick, it's really not that.

You see, my friends are these amazing people. They're like family to me. Hell, my family considers them to be family. (My grandma calls my best friend part of the Asian branch of the Hoffer family). They've pulled me through some really tough times. And what have I done for them? Egged them into liver damage and alcohol dependence and filled their head with mildly amusing stories which have no value in the real world. I feel like I'm not holding up my end of the bargain. I mean, my friends are doctors and artists and engineers. And what am I? A textbook manager. A perfectly acceptable job, but not exactly in the same echelon as saving lives, building bridges or providing lasting contributions to culture. And I sometimes think to myself "Man, I am really holding them back. When are they going to see that and run like the wind?" Every time I hang out with them, there's this stupid thought running through my head that wonders if I'm going to say something stupid or do something to piss them off and that's when it's just going to click in their heads that I'm not good enough for them.

It's probably a silly thought, like most thoughts that I have. But honestly, it's the one that worries me the most. My friends are part of my family and my family is the most important thing in the world to me. And I kind of wonder when they're going to figure out when they could start doing a lot better than me.