The Best Way to Beat a Bear Market is to Kill it Dead and then Kill It Some More

So yesterday I saw a man opt out of buying an ice cream cone because it was "too expensive". You know economic times are hard when $2.59 is too a high a price for ice cream in 35 degree weather. Whereas before I scoffed at this recession as a media driven fabrication, similar to global warming or the WNBA, the self-denial of a Jumbo King Cone gave me irrevertable proof that our economy is in a tailspin. Therefore I've devised of three solutions to immediately resolve this recession and restore our nation's confidence in the buying of cold treats to enjoy on cold days.

1) Kill all the economists.

Experts keep telling us that the economy is to blame for the current recession. Therefore, I propose that we adopt the policy that ignorance is bliss and kill anyone who says otherwise. Basically, we give the economists a month to get all the doom and gloom out of their system and then simply shut down all talk about the economy under threat of death. Confidence in the market goes up because nobody knows that anything is wrong. And who would tell them otherwise? Economics becomes a taboo subject that no one is allowed to speak about, like Brittany Spears' or the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen movie, Sure, it's censorship, but at least we'll no longer have to listen about stuff like "bear markets" or "supply and demand" anymore.

2) Replace all money with trash.

Basically, we say that our refuse has value instead of the flimsy peaces of green stuff we stuff in our pockets and purses. I see a lot of benefits to this system. Income becomes a lot more disposable. The hippies are sated because we start recycling our trash and reuse it a lot more. We're encouraged to consume more because by consuming more, we create more trash, which in turn allows to spend more. Hell, it even cuts back on landfills and littering, which eliminates the threat of crying Indians on our highways.

3) Require all men to grow facial hair.

In the 1930's, FDR created a massive public works program to create jobs and jump start the economy. In the 1960's, Kennedy did the same by aiming for the moon. Requiring all men to grow facial hair would basically do the same thing for today's economy. The instant demand for trimmers and other facial hair products would create millions of jobs and the fierce competition to provide superior products would spur innovation and further R&D at home and abroad. Plus, we'd see classy face-dos like the Burnside and the Octopus.


By immediately adopting these policies, we'd either see an immediate turnaround or an immediate collapse into anarchy. Either way, we'd no longer have a crappy economy. We'd either have a strong economy or no economy at all.