An Open Address to the Union

My fellow Americans,

There has been dark rumblings on the wind. Dark rumblings that have spread to even some of those who read this blog. There are some out there who want me to change. There are some who want me to cave in to peer pressure. There are some out there who believe that just because everyone else jumps off a cliff, I should do it too. So I come before you now to reemphasize my position and reassure. I will not cut my hair.
There are several reasons why I won't cut my hair. First of all, it costs money. In this tough economic climate, money is hard to come by and should be spent on important things, like hockey, booze or comics. Hair cuts are a nonessential part of my budget and are therefore deprioritized. What would you see me lose in order to get my hair cut? Food? Electricity? Rent? These are things far too important and more crucial to the survival of the Christian Hoffer lifestyle to simply give up or cut back.
Secondly, my long hair looks good. I could give you example after example after example of people who have told me that my hair looks good long. My friends think so, my employees think so, and random strangers off the street think so. In a day and age where people run around with short hair that gets cut daily, my hair stands out...in a good way. It looks good, there is simply no denying it. As long as it's combed and maintains its form, I basically look like a young Errol Flynn or Gene Kelly.
Thirdly, I look much older with long hair. When my hair is short, I look like Doogie Howser, without the medical degree. I look like I'm fifteen and I'm treated as such. Do you know how demeaning it is to be carded to go to a rated PG-13 movie? Especially when I'm old enough to buy alcohol? Do you know how demeaning it is to have a Wal-Mart employee ask if I'm lost and don't know where my daddy is? I know damn well where my father is! He's 150 miles away because I've been living in Columbus for the last four years! With long hair, I'm carded less, I'm treated with more respect, and customers at the store don't scoff when they find out I'm the manager. Despite my frequent trips to Toys R Us, I am a grown-up and I deserve to be treated like one.
Fourthly, plenty of great Americans have had long hair. Steve Perry had long hair. So did Thomas Jefferson. All four of the Beatles had long hair, and they made the greatest music ever known Do you want me not to make great music? Do you?
To address my critics, who I know have been bought off by the powerful hair cutting industry, I will say this. My hair does not look like a flock of seagulls. This is what a flock of seagulls look like. Note the definite presence of seagulls flying around like little harbringers of doom. My hair looks nothing like a flock of seagulls. If anything it looks like ducks in a row, cool, calm, collected and respectful of authority figures.
So to summarize. My hair looks good. It is not getting cut. If you do not like it, too bad. My hair's long, it's strong and it's staying where it belongs! Goodnight, and God Bless America.


Sorry for the lack of posts, it's been a busy and interesting couple of days. Idol Analysis Tomorrow.